At New York’s Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered
to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight
while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide
rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said
he believes the man is a member of the notorious “Al-gebra”
movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math
instruction.

“Al-gebra is a fearsome cult,” Ashcroft said. “They desire average
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in
a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like ‘x’ and ‘y’
and refer to themselves as ‘unknowns,’ but we have determined they
belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with
coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles
used to say, “There are 3 sides to every triangle.”

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, “If God
had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would
have given us more fingers and toes.”