[Kortbroek is the nickname of Van Schalkwyk of the former NNP who now joined the ANC. Kortbroek is an afrikaans term meaning shorts – a term associated with a farmer/Boer. The Kortbroek award by the writer below is for someone with the qualities of that pathetic wanker of a white man, Van Schalkwyk. Jan]

I love being South African. We’re so mal [crazy]. We’re a third-world science-fiction nation, where every citizen is an alien and our political leaders are all bug-eyed monsters.

I’ve decided to create an award, called the Kortbroek Award, to honour citizens who best embody those qualities that make South Africans great.

In other words, stupidity, gullibility, avarice, and the ability to lie with a totally straight face. But let’s face it – this could describe most of the people we know.

So our winning candidate will have to have something extra, that little special thing that marks them as TRULY South African.

My current three candidates for South African icon of the month are Miyi Shongi, 58, (persecuted by a rain of stones), David Francis, prophet (can bring corpses back from the dead), and Marthinus van Schalkwyk, verraaier (sold his people for a seat on the gravy train).

What makes all these people special is not just that they’re a couple of pants legs short of an actual pair of trousers, but that they have found other people dumb enough to believe in them.

Miyi Shonga claims that she’s being followed around by a bunch of angry stones, that are persecuting her because she welched on paying a trader for clothes she’d bought. Her family kicked her out of her village, and she went to stay with relatives – but the stones followed her there too!

And what makes Miyi a worthy candidate for the Kortbroek Award? The fact that she is embarrassed by her herd of over-friendly stones, rather than petrified. That is SO South African. “I thought I would be safe there,” Miyi said, “but the stones followed me and embarrassed me”.

Who believes this crap? Everyone, apparently. And why shouldn’t they? The Head of Bethesda Christian Church in Malamulele, Dr Elijah Mtileni, has given the story his official sanction.

The good doctor blames demonic spirits for the phenomenon, and says only someone blessed with the Holy Spirit of God could solve Shongi’s problem. Yes, or someone blessed with the Holy Spirit of the Church of Spot the Sucker.

Candidate two is David Francis, self-styled prophet (although, as with most religious leaders in South Africa, that should probably be profit with an F) Prophet Dave claimed that Paul Meintjies, who died on July 1, would rise from the dead on July 29.

Amazingly, this didn’t happen. But that didn’t stop 2000 people from turning up for the next resurrection date, just in case. I know the Free State is hardly the party capital of the world, but good grief – can’t you people find better things to do?

According to News24, Prophet Dave claims that “Between 500 and 600 people were healed every time he visited a black township”.

One can only hope he means they were healed of their distressing propensity to believe any idiot with a bible who comes along claiming to be best buddies with God.

And what makes Prophet Dave a candidate for the Kortbroek Award? When Paul Meintjies’ brother-in-law died, Prophet Dave told the widow that God had sent him a message.

The widow was to go on a bus trip in the winelands and there she would meet her next husband.

And – get this – she would also meet God for the first time in her life. Prophet Dave, pimp for God – a true South African hero.

But alas, as worthy as these contenders are, you all know who’s going to get this month’s inaugural Kortbroek Award. The man the award is named after, of course, our beloved Minister for the Cosy Environment and Business Class Tourism, Marthinus “Kortbroek” van Schalkwyk.

There was never any doubt, was there.

First, drive away most of your party supporters by cosying up to any Pieter, Gerald and David who is looking for a party to contribute to their pension funds.

Then, take the roughly 250,000 supporters left, and really stab them in the back by amalgamating with the ANC. Amalgamating? Ha. Getting destroyed by the ANC, more like it.

At least it’s in the grand tradition of the National Party, whose political coda was always “Grab what you can for your voters, and screw the rest”. The New National party has just left out the “for your voters” bit. That’s progress for you.

So congratulations, Marthinus! Your special Kortbroek Award, a lovingly crafted replica of a pudgy bum in black, yellow and green shorts, is in the post. Feel free to kiss it.

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Chris Roper edits a major portal by day, and writes scurrilous garbage by night.

See Chris’s previous columns on his blog The World
Disclaimer: News24 encourages freedom of speech and the expression of diverse views. The views of columnists published on News24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of News24.

Source: News24.Com
URL: http://www.news24.com/News24/Columnists/Chris…/p>